January 27, 2010

So many hopes and dreams... dashed on the craggy rocks of the announced Apple iPad

After literally years of rumors - the Apple Tablet actually exists.  And from this I’ve learned (once again, mind you), that reality sucks.

Let me take you, just for a moment, out of the post-Steve-Jobs-keynote euphoria, back a mere 24 hours - back when “what might have been” was still “what may soon be”.  Let me remind you of what the Apple Tablet of our dreams was.

First, it was much less iPhone and much more Mac.  It was supposed to run (a possibly paired down version of) Snow Leopard - not a slightly “upgraded?” version of the iPhone OS.

Secondly it had a camera - in some dreams 2! both user facing and away facing.  User facing for iChat / Skype / Google Talk / etc. teleconferencing - vlogging - and everything else that we use webcams for - as well as all the DSi-style goofiness that the App Store with its billion and one iFart apps could bring us.  And away facing for all the times you need a camera or camcorder.  With a faster CPU, more storage (ha!), and more screen real estate, you’d think iMovie would have been right at home on the mythological Mac Tablet of yesterday.

Thirdly, it could ******ing MULTITASK!  For crying out loud!  Steve Jobs had the GALL to say that netbooks “just don’t cut it” and are “underpowered” and this iPad(my abilities) POS is supposed to fill that gap?  BS!  Every netbook for the last 2 years has had at least a 1.6 Ghz CPU, could run a full desktop OS, complete with Flash, full tilt web browsing, (a web cam, multiple USB ports, flash card slots, 120 GB or more of storage, etc.), and could ********ING DO MORE THAN ONE BLASTED THING AT A TIME.  The Mac Tablet of our naive dreams could as well.  Ah, the golden days of our youth - and by our youth I mean the fleeting moments before the iPad was announced - you know, a few hours ago.

Fourthly, it was 720p.  Okay, maybe that high of a resolution was a bit of a stretch, maybe, but it was at least widescreen..  You know, like the iPhone, like the MacBook, like the iPod Nano, like the PSP, like every other consumer device created in the last 5 years that could display video.  WIDESCREEN.  Has Steve Jobs ever watched a Pixar movie that he owns?  Or HDTV?  Or any movie …. ever?  16:9 - 16:9 - 16:9  sixteen by bloody nine.  Google it.  Bing it.  Freakin’ kgb it or Ask rack-a-frackin’ Jeeves about it.  Why in the WORLD is this iPad thing practically square?

Fifthly, it had a name that could not be confused with a feminine hygiene product.  iSlate still seems stupid to me, but you don’t get images of Kotex commercials when you hear it.  When, oh when will Steve Jobs get off this **** iName kick?  The name of the company is APPLE not iPod iNcorporated.  Apple makes Macs.  As in Macintosh - as in the Macintosh breed of apples (the fruit).  This whole iNightmare needs to end.  And as long as you call it the iPad - it will never be taken seriously as a computer.  It’s just another iProduct a “device” as Steve Jobs is so fond of calling the iPhone/iPod Touch family of things.  A device is not a computer - and it’s not almost a computer.  It’s something you have that you have to sync with your computer.

Sixthly, it was a danged phone.  I mean, seriously - how could they not add cellular voice to this thing?  “Oh Chad,” you fanboys whine, “it’s too big to hold to your ear, stupid!” - Of course it is - but they make this thing called a BlueTooth Headset.  They also make headphones with microphones in them….

Seventhly, (anyone getting annoyed with the N-thly numbering system yet?  good.), all models had 3G - not just the expensive ones.

Eighthly, it had PLENTY of storage.  I mean, 16GB - are you kidding me?  Again, look at the netbooks that you are crapping on, Apple.  You can’t buy one with as little storage as 16 GB.  That’s pathetic.

Ninthly, it had expandable storage.  I mean Apple finally got on the flash card reader bandwagon with their notebooks last year - you know about 5 or 8 years after every other computer maker in the world figured out this whole removable storage thing might catch on.

If you really want to know what the iTablet of yesterday’s rumors was, google ModBook - take 3/4s the price, half the thickness, 3 or 4 inches of the screen, and all of the Wacom away and add Multitouch.  That was the mythological MacBook Touch.

Now, let’s look again at the reality.  This quote “Magical” and “Revolutionary” end quote device - (Yes, I both typed out and “”’ed the quotes for added emphasis) - is nothing more than an enlarged iPod Touch.

Well, actually, it’s a multitask-less, camera-less, phone-less, USB-port-less, card-slot-less, Flash-plugin-less, un-expand-able, un-pocket-able, oversized, overpriced, idiotically-named iPod Touch!

Seriously, I would have preferred it if they called it the iPod Touch XL/LL - cause that’s all it is.

Oh, and they added a Bookstore.  Because having the Classic app, the full library of Kindle books through the Kindle app, the full library of Nook books through the Barnes and Noble app, and tons of other ebook apps wasn’t enough.  Thank Heavens that Apple was here to sell me DRM-laden electronic copies of books.  There wasn’t enough ways for me to read books - Apple had to make it “cool”.

And, btw, seriously creative name for the new Apple bookstore for reading books on your iPad, (and probably iPhone or iPod Touch) - iBookstore.  I bet they spent $25 million in marketing research before they came up with that one.

No… seriously, I bet they did spend millions trying to figure that out…  “We need a name that piggy-backs on the success of the iPod, the iPhone, and now the new iPad - as well as the App Store and iTunes Store.  But we’re not selling Apps, or Tunes… But Books….  if only there was some way to take iPod and iTunes Store and put them together with the word Books to let people know that this is a book store, not an App Store or a Music Store….   iStore for Books?  iStoreBooks - no, that sounds like a storage device for books - (somebody from legal trademark that name so we can make an Apple Bookshelf someday.)…  Books iStore?  Store for iBooks?…  dang, this is hard.”

So, no, I won’t be getting an iPad - at least not with my own money, (if someone sends me one, I’ll use it), and at least not any time soon, and not at full price, and not the first generation, (again, unless it’s used and really really cheap).   Let them add a camera or two, a real, works with anything, in-and-out USB port, double or quadruple the storage, and GPS to every model - at the same or lower cost - then we’ll talk.

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1 comment:

James said...

I think after typing this, you should give your fingers a rest. Also, maybe Chad should start a ChadWSmith.com podcast?