December 21, 2007

Not tonight...

Some day, many years from now, I’ll find this. I don’t know how or when, or why I’ll be looking, but I’ll find it. And no matter what my life between then and now is like, this will remind me of what I’ve lost. What I had. What I was supposed to be. And I will mourn.
I will mourn 3 dozen Christmas mornings without her. 10000 kisses on the cheek. 16 months just holding hands.
I will mourn the 15 terrifying trips to the hospital. The 23 summer vacations that never went the way we planned - the 18 summers we didn’t even make the trip, and the 2 summer vacations that were absolutely perfect.
I will grieve the school plays, the recitals, the jr high dances, the book reports, the field trips, the summer camps, and the skinned knees.
I will weep over learning to ride a bike.
I will cry as I long for the winter nights sitting around the table playing Monopoly, Clue, Zathura, Chess, Rummy, Life, and BattleShip.
I will weep knowing the words “I Love You” will never be heard from her lips.
I will die inside knowing my life was meant to be shared with her - and will never be so shared.
I will mourn.
Some day, many years from now, after my life has been changed completely. Some other wife, some other children, some other family, some other love.... But when I find this, when I read these words and remember the night I wrote them.... Remember the ring I wore then. The cheap Walmart ring. That ugly little ring. When I remember what it took to earn the right to wear that crappy ring - and how quickly I lost it all. I will shed tears at my loss.
Some day, many years from now, when I find these words again.
But not now.
Not tonight.
Tonight I defy the tears. Tonight I brave the loss. Tonight I soldier on.
I don’t need her. I don’t need them. I am strong. I was fine before her - I will be fine when she is gone. I don’t need her. I am strong. I am strong. I ....

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2 comments:

makuahine said...

A beautiful post; I am sorry for your loss

Chad Smith said...

Thank you. I've almost deleted it about 27 times.