If you are new to the Internet - Here are the spoilers.

SPOILER WARNING!

If you are new to the Internet, here are some things you need to know, and will find out eventually, either by listening to me, or the hard way. And so I present to you the Internet spoilers....

Darth Vader is that whiny kid from the prequels, who turns out to be Luke *AND* C3PO's dad
LonelyGirl15 is fake
So is that super hot chick you talked to on MySpace last night
We really do need to leave Britney alone - she's nasty, you'll catch something if you stand too close
The Internet is now for Facebook, not porn - despite what singing and dancing WOW characters on YouTube would have you to believe
Ads are everywhere, even if you don't see them because you use Firefox
There is always something new, hip, trendy, and overpriced that's about to come out in a few months. Some real, some imagined. But none of them, not even the iPhone, will change your life, make you happy for any extended period of time, solve world hunger, get you a serious relationship, make you a billion dollars, or change the size of any of your various body parts.
Dogs do stupid things - usually because people make them do stupid things - like ride skateboards.
Cats do stupid things - but they aren't nearly as funny or cute as the people who misspell captions for them would have you to believe.
The expected response to O RLY is YA RLY followed by NO WAI. The proper response, however, is to ignore that statement and move on.
Brookers got hired by NBC, and hasn't done squat sense.
digg > slashdot > reddit > fark
Google > Yahoo > MSN
Mac OS X > Linux > Windows
Wii > Xbox 360 > PS3
DS Lite > PSP
Mac > HP > Dell > Gateway
Apple > Microsoft (and, despite that fact, it is STILL spelled MICROSOFT, you can shorten it to MS or MSFT if you need to, but M$ is NEVER approiprate. It wasn't funny the first time someone typed it that way in the 80s - it isn't funny now - You are not upsetting Bill Gates or sticking it to the man when you do this. You are only making yourself look like a fool.)
NEVER look at anything labeled goatse, 2 girls 1 cup, tubgirl, RickRolled, "Don't Click This", or "so-and-so stole your soul"
Not everything on a blog is blogspam.
Not everything on a blog matters
the Internet is still a new thing - but it's getting pretty set in its ways already
OpenSocial > Facebook > myspace
You can easily find an entire community of people that believe what you believe, like what you like, eat what you eat, listen to what you listen to, buy what you buy, etc. - just realize that there are hundreds or thousands or millions of other communities with people who are just as smart, friendly, creative, and helpful - that believe, like, eat the exact opposite, and will cuss you out for disagreeing - just like you'll cuss them out for being wrong. (See the above statified companies / websites / products for examples - people will digg me down, cuss me out, and otherwise insult me becuase I got one "wrong" or all of them wrong or whatever - ignoring the rest of this comment)
Wikipedia kicks ass - especially when you want to find out who guest starred in that episode of Different Strokes where Arnold lied to his dad about that thing he did, but ended up getting caught. You know, where they figured it all out by the end... and he made that funny face after he said "Wha'chu talkin 'bout Willis?" Man, that was funny.
All your base are belong to us
Fat kids doing nerdy things in front of a camera - especially when it involves music, sound effects made with the kids own mouth, and/or fast movements (as fast as a fat kid can go anyway) make for good video - everyone likes to laugh at fat kids - and "kids" can be a guy as old as 40, as long as he still lives with his mom
Chocolate Rain is not really funny - I'm still trying to figure out what it is supposed to mean. I think he's complaining that not everyone is black, or he's complaining that he is black. I'm not sure which, but I really think he's being racist.
The first rule of [INSERT NAME OF SUPPOSEDLY SECRET PLACE TO GET ILLEGAL OR DIRTY STUFF HERE] is don't talk about [INSERT NAME OF SUPPOSEDLY SECRET PLACE TO GET ILLEGAL OR DIRTY STUFF HERE]
The second rule of [INSERT NAME OF SUPPOSEDLY SECRET PLACE TO GET ILLEGAL OR DIRTY STUFF HERE] is don't talk about [INSERT NAME OF SUPPOSEDLY SECRET PLACE TO GET ILLEGAL OR DIRTY STUFF HERE]
Most four letter words are bad words, among these are RIAA, MPAA, and DRM, (hey, if ass can be a four letter word, why not DRM)
Apparently, it seems that George W Bush is too stupid to string English words together, but smart enough to plan and execute 9/11 and fool the entire country, and dozens of other countries, into invading a country for oil, despite the fact that the price of oil, and the price of gasoline has pretty much tripled since *the COALITION of nations - not just the US* invaded Iraq. He must be some kind of evil idiot savant or something.
Operating systems does matter. Use Google Apps, and other online tools, and you can pretty much spend all day working on a computer, writing reports, making presentations, editing video, cropping images, building websites, listening to music, watching TV, talking to your friends, planning your Friday night out, etc - and never once leave your browser to do so.
Everyone on the internet is incredibly smart. Just ask them. They'll tell you.
Everyone on the internet is a complete idiot. Just look at what they do. They'll show you.
I am on the Internet. I am incredibly smart.
I really wish Flickr had been bought by Google instead of Yahoo. - that's not a spoiler, just an opinion. Heck, most of this has turned into that. I'm gonna copy and paste it into my blog.
If someone says something incredibly insightful, perfectly suited for the conversation and situation it is in, and it makes you feel like there is hope for humanity once again because of the profound wisdom this person has just shared with you, one of the following has happened:
- a) he copied it from WikiQuote or some guy's email signature
- b) you're stoned, sleep it off and get some help
- c) you didn't get that he was being sarcastic
- d) you completely misunderstood what just happened
- e) you now have 7 days to live, for the love of all that is good and holy, please turn the computer off and go spend time with your family - preferably outside - before it is too late
- f) you just met the Real Fake Steve Jobs
- g) All / some of the above, but most likely e
Most of the time, people are sarcastic
People lie on the Internet - a lot - about pretty much everything - but there's still good in them, I can feel it.
Google is your friend - ask your friend before you ask me - ANYTHING
Spell check is your friend. It's even built into most websites and most browsers now, USE IT
F1 = Help
RTFM = Read The Fine Manual
Acronymfinder.com helps too
Internet =! A Dump truck
Internet = A series of tubes
The millionth visitor to a website gets ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for going there, other than the content of the website.
You cannot win a free iPod
You cannot win ANYTHING by clicking the rubber ducky, the mouse with the cheese, the "FIGHT" button faster than your automated opponent, or the right answer to the question "Whose lips are these?" (btw - it's always Angelina Jolie)
Internet =! Life
Internet < Life
Okay, after spending all this time sharing my heartfelt personal nostalgic feelings and insights with you, I have one simple question. i Can Haz Cheezburger Now? kthxbye